Scott Hollifield
Lawmakers in the great state of North Carolina are taking up the divisive issue of mandated grape juice in schools.
We’ll see what I can squeeze out of this ridiculous situation.
According to a story from the News & Observer of Raleigh, the source I turn to for reports about education and fruit from deciduous woody vines, House Bill 136 would make state, local and charter school boards ensure that 100% muscadine grape juice is available to students in every school.
It also calls for muscadine grape juice in community colleges' campus vending machines, the paper reported.
The bill’s sponsor said lawmakers need to mandate muscadine grape juice in all public schools “to help our growers, particularly our growers in the eastern part of the state."
According to the N.C. Cooperative Extension Office at N.C. State University, muscadine grapes are popular for wine, pie and jelly, all favorites of young students from the mountains to the coast.
At first, I hesitated to even address this subject. History tells us wading into the murky waters of school lunches is not without its risks.
Back in the ‘80s, former President Ronald Reagan squared off against critics who accused his administration of classifying ketchup as a vegetable.
Later, former First Lady Michelle Obama was chided by her opponents for pushing for healthier school meals.
And, in third grade, I was rebuked for stuffing green beans into a milk carton to make it appear as if I had cleaned my plate so I could score an extra chocolate oatmeal cookie. It was a sad end to my budding political career, derailing any future run for student council.
Supporters of the HB 136 noted that while it would require schools to offer muscadine grape juice, it would not mandate that students drink it. Cafeteria workers therefore would not be allowed to jam a funnel in Ethan’s mouth to force him to drink his daily mandated amount of sweet, sweet North Carolina muscadine grape juice.
“Mom, I don’t want to go to school today. My stomach hurts and my lips are still red.”
Reading the story and diving deeper into the bill, I came up with a list of pros and cons for state-mandated school muscadine grape juice.
- Muscadine grape juice tastes pretty good. Not Mountain Dew good, but pretty good.
- It would indeed help muscadine grape growers. In fact, if we mandate this North Carolina agricultural product for campus vending machines, we could theoretically pack them with the state’s other top agricultural products to help our farmers: Pork, sweet potatoes, tobacco, poultry, etc.
“What did you get out of the machine for a snack before fourth period, Ethan?”
“I got a sausage biscuit, a pack of Pall Malls and a boiled egg.”
- Students would likely learn how to take muscadine grape juice, bag it up, store it in school toilet tanks to ferment and produce pruno, or prison wine. Then we’ve got drunken fourth-graders on the yard squaring off to settle beefs and such.
“I run things on this playground, Ethan, not you! Back off or I will shiv you with a No. 2 pencil.”
- Loss of local control. One lawmaker who opposed the mandate, from the same party of the bill’s sponsor, said it's a great idea to have juice in schools, but "not to force it," according to the News & Observer.
Personally, I agree with that view. If local school boards, which answer to local voters, want to offer muscadine grape juice in schools, especially in communities were those grapes are grown, well, grab a jug and fill up Ethan’s cup.
But let’s not make everyone else drink the muscadine-flavored Kool-Aid.
Epilogue: The bill passed the state House 91-22 on second reading, and on a voice vote for third reading. It heads to the Senate.
Hollifield is editor of The McDowell News in Marion, North Carolina, and a humor columnist. Contact him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.
March 30, 2021 at 11:00AM
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HUMOR: Grapes of laughs — let mandate wither on the vine - GoDanRiver.com
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